Yes, it is unhealthy and I’m very happy you’re seeing it.

You do that because deep down you are afraid of other people’s judgments of you. You are afraid to just do whatever the hell you please and not care about what they think. That’s why you’re trying to prove something to them. You’re not trying to prove anything to yourself, you don’t really have anything to prove. For if you imagine that no one will ever see or appreciate anything about you, you end up standing empty and what is there to prove? You can still have fun, yes, as in, “I wonder if I can jump that far?”, but based on your question it’s decidedly not fun for you, so it’s not that.

So, on a deeper level this fear of not being loved. You want to be loved, and in the modern society which teaches you that being loved and being admirable is the same thing (it’s not), the way to earn others’ love is to earn their respect and admiration. Which is what you’re describing as “prove I am able”.

That’s what you’re really saying, not that you’re “unable”. Of course, you’re “able”, you’re alive, right? Eating? Breathing? See - able. It’s not about your abilities at all.

You’re only looking for love from others because you’re not giving it to yourself. You need to stop looking outwards in search of love and start looking inwards in your search for it. It’s there, it never went anywhere, you just forgot it. Show more compassion to yourself, learn to care for yourself, be kind to yourself, and practice meditation. Psychedelics can also help.

Good luck! As an old friend of mine once said to me, “there will always be enough love for you in this world”. I did not understand him at the time, but he was right. You just have to be looking for it in the right place, and you’re looking in the wrong ones, that’s all.