The problem with gaslighting (and every other interpersonal conflict) is that our memory is very emotional, and it’s not reliable. We remember perceived intentions much better than the exact words. And our perception of those intentions may be accurate, or it may not be. But that’s what we remember best. So, if our perception is not accurate, we may recall a statement from another person in such form, that when repeated back to them, it will be completely unrecognizable to them. They may remember their own intention at the time of speaking differently, and your copy will absolutely not ring true, so of course they will say “I have never said that”. To you, it may seem like they’re gaslighting, but to them, you are.

So the best way to deal with it all is not to get fixated on the exact words which were pronounced, but focus on how you feel and express your emotions in a non-violent way. I highly recommend a non-violent communication course. It is best done right away, because if you’re talking about something that happened in the past, the memory of the incident is already significantly skewed on both sides. If the person denies having said something the way you remember, the best thing you can say is “I remember it differently” and leave it at that. That’s not gaslighting per se, ease off on the accusations of dysfunction, I know it’s in vogue these days, but it serves no one. It doesn’t build intimacy, it crushes it. Don’t try to persuade them that your memory is better than theirs, it may be, but it very well might not be. This sort of arguments are never productive.

Actions are somewhat easier. After all, it’s much harder to be confused about something that happened. But don’t confuse your confidence about what happened with your confidence about why the other person did what they did. The latter you never know. You can trust what they say or you may not, it’s up to you. But you’re not clairvoyant, if they try to persuade you their motives were not what you think they were, they are not necessarily gaslighting you, they might be genuine. They could still be lying, of course, you never know. It’s up to you whether you decide to trust them or not. But always try to give the benefit of the doubt to a person whom you love until they prove you wrong again and again with their actions.