Shame is the fear of punishment. In its very fundamental, that’s what it is. It is how society controls us. All shame is false shame. Every child is born shameless - a shameless child is a healthy child. A shameful child is a child who’s been punished for its innocence.

It is important to distinguish guilt and shame. They are entirely different, they are the opposite. But we are so conditioned, so frequently told that shame is guilt, that it becomes very difficult to separate the two. Usually, only after one begins the journey of self-discovery, not before some degree of reconnection to one’s body is established, it becomes possible to distinguish guilt and shame in one’s own direct experience. Before, we are utterly confused about them.

You experience guilt when you realize that you did something wrong. It is completely independent from other people’s opinions. You don’t have to be told that it was wrong by anyone else, because you know it for yourself. It is regret, remorse. It comes from your heart, it comes when you realize that you moved against it. There’s grief in it. Even if not a single person in the world will bring it up, you would still know it and you would still feel it.

You experience shame when you realize that someone else thinks that you did something wrong and you’re afraid of it. It is a fear of consequence, vengeance or withdrawal of love. It is always given by the other. If you were treated this way enough times when you were little, you’ll begin doing it to yourself, consistently. “Toxic guilt” thus is not guilt, it is internalized shame.

Once we are conditioned with shame, we are easily controlled. The very fear of punishment itself becomes punishment, it becomes painful. Humiliation is punishment via conditioning, it is a form of control. It is abuse.

When you experience guilt, the impulse if to try and make things right or, if it’s not possible, at least apologize for your behavior, express remorse. The impulse is to clear your conscience. The mind will extend compassion towards the person you have wronged. You will feel sadness for them and anger towards yourself. Extend compassion towards yourself for that anger, also. It’s not easy to feel guilt.

When you experience shame, the impulse is to punish yourself. If there’s an impulse to apologize, it doesn’t come from the heart, but from fear of the consequence the other might impose on you. You will want to soothe their anger or please them, re-earn their withdrawn approval. It’s not for them, it is for you, because you’re scared of them. The mind will keep telling you how bad you are, how rotten, how unworthy. These are lies. You will feel sadness for yourself, and anger at the other, because the person who’s been wronged is you.

Both must be experienced and accepted, both are your pain to heal. Both lead to deeper insight into yourself and to your greater freedom and innocence, but only one should be acted upon and another ignored. Don’t act on shame. Only act from your heart.

They can also come one after the other, as two aspects of the situation. For example, you may have wronged someone, but their response was inadequate, disproportional, cruel, designed to illicit deep feelings of shame and inadequacy in you. Process the feelings of shame first. Don’t be too quick to apologize. When shame clears, you may experience guilt for your initial behavior, also. Only then it is the time to apologize out of compassion for them and their suffering, despite the fact that they have wronged you much more. But never apologize out of shame.