It’s not possible to give someone compassion for something you haven’t experienced yourself. You can pretend that you did though, and it’s not that difficult to do. Just make a sad face, soften your voice, say “awww” and treat another human being like a baby. Some people are very good at such pretense, especially spiritual people who like to appear more compassionate than they really are, but if you’re honest enough, you will admit that you feel somewhat dirty after such treatment. The reason for this is very simple - it’s not compassion you were given, but pity, and to be pitied is to be looked down upon. If you are wondering how to tell whether you yourself are giving compassion to another or pity, it’s also very simple - giving compassion makes you cry, giving pity makes you feel good about yourself.

So authentic compassion can only come from experience, it is an absolute necessity. It doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, it doesn’t elevate you. If you’ve experienced a tremendous heartbreak, you’ll be able to be compassionate to those who are undergoing it in front of your eyes. If you haven’t, all you can offer them is pity. Same goes for everything, including really difficult things like depression or suicidal ideation.

Thus, the authentic spiritual journey is the journey into experience, it’s a journey of opening your heart up to everything that is there, hidden by our unwillingness to experience it. As we descend into our own suffering, as we open up to whatever comes, we slowly begin to see how much of it there is, but also how resilient we really are in the face of it. The truth is, every one of us is infinitely capable of experiencing extraordinary amounts of emotional pain, and no amount of it is able to break the human spirit. It may seem like we are completely broken, desperate, overcome by grief or hatred many, many times on the spiritual path, but sooner or later, we always emerge from it, and with every emergence our compassion grows and our wisdom grows. It happened and you went through it. It was very painful, but now it doesn’t hurt as much. Next time it happens our self-love is stronger, we are more able to remind ourself that it’s not forever, that all experiences come to an end, both negative and positive, and we are more able to give ourselves what we need most as we suffer - unconditional love which accepts the experience for what it is, and unconditional compassion which reminds us that it’s not our fault we feel this way, we didn’t choose it. No one chooses to feel this way, no one chooses their experience. If we did, no one would ever choose to suffer.

This is so simple and logical on the surface, but the lived understanding of this is the basis of compassion. It’s not your fault you feel this way, it’s not your fault you were born. With this understanding comes kindness, first kindness to yourself, because you didn’t choose to suffer, then kindness to others, because they didn’t choose to suffer either.