Grace, of course, it was all grace! I was really pushed to a corner, yes, it’s a good way to put it. Life pushed me to a corner, it always does if you let it. So it was all grace, not effort. All personal effort is counter-productive on the spiritual path, effort is seeking, seeking must be dropped to attain enlightenment. Enlightenment is a relaxation, it’s a let go. Letting go of effort, letting go of one’s constant need to do something, to achieve something to be happy.

But effort is not to be confused with discipline. It’s always the ego that exerts personal effort, it cannot live without it. It always strives to become better than others - even in servitude it aims to become better, even in love it aims to become better, it is fiercely competitive. So when one begins to meditate, one gets exposed to all the internal personal effort which is going on, and it can get more than a little uncomfortable. So discipline can be required for some to allow themselves to witness their internal effort, their never-ending war with themselves. It can be quite difficult to watch. But meditation itself is not an effortful practice, there’s no effort involved in simply being with yourself, watching yourself, observing. It should require no effort, and yet, it can be maddeningly difficult! The willingness to experience it all cannot be called effort in itself.

As for grace, the final addition I would make is that much later I realized that it was me who was giving myself grace. That both Samsara and Nirvana were of my own creation. I put myself to sleep and I woke myself up from it - both were done by me. But at the moment of self-realization, the moment of initial awakening, it never feels this way, because from the perspective of the ego, this true, authentic self that is only slowly being awakened at this point, is something completely unfathomable, beyond the current reality, incomprehensible and magical. So when I awakened, it felt like an act of God, and it always feels this way if the awakening is authentic. It’s always sudden, unexpected and miraculous. It always feels like grace, if it’s true.