There are no punishments, and your person is not evil. There is no evil. Resisting the dissolution is normal, it’s unavoidable. Don’t resist this resistance. Don’t blame yourself for your lack of self-acceptance - how is blame self-acceptance? Love yourself for all your likes and dislikes, accept yourself for how you are and surrender to how you are. Surrender to yourself more and more, to the “good” in you, and to the “bad” in you, there’s no difference. Become the one who loves himself unconditionally, and you will realize your godliness, because that’s what God is. But don’t wait for God to do it, only you can do it.